All Chirdren are intelligent & good. The Problem lies with parents!

I got some questions from my online friend who ask:

” Btw..may I just asking since u been study child psychology…can i know what the actually hyper active child are…coz lots ppls said my son r hyper active..but me dun really understand on this..he just only not so concentrate or eyes contact when i talk to him..but he ady know all A-Z, 1-10, shape, big n small objects…etc..only he still cant talk now..he now ady 2 yrs n 4 mths..me just a bit worry on this..do u think u can tell me more abt this.. me really appreciate if u can help on this… well hope u ady recover from the allergy n have a nice day too”

My responses:

ah…on your boy. don’t worry too much about many ‘ kopitiam advice ‘ or comments u get from friends.

I am 100% sure they mean well but they may do more harm than good, whether advice about your child in this case; or financial planning advise. just like when one is sick, consult  the doctor, not the herb shop sales assistant who try to sell you all all kinds of ‘wonder’ vitamins or nutritional supplements

Anyway, unless u sense something very wrong, otherwise your boy is just normal active boy! All normal children are active... even my girls when they are toddler age. they are what I call ” Explorers ” – if u notice your boy when he was a baby, he was active in learning as well: pay attention to sounds, moving objects; touching many things and put in his mouth, right? why?

B’cos the tongue is the most sensitive organ at that point of development & babies want to “feel” & “examine” the “foreign” objects ( just imagine an alien reach the earth and try to understand the world here; a baby that has just arrived on this planet is facing the same situation doing the same )

When he was a baby, there’re constraints on his ‘exploration’ because he can’t craw or walk yet. But when he learn to move around, then he become excited and wants to explore more things and cover more areas ( he starts to touch many things; sometimes throw it; pull the ‘parts’ out; tear it, etc. but to an adult/”old person”, they LABEL the child as ‘naughty’ ). When he learns to walk and realize that he can cover more areas in his EXPLORATION, he is even more EXCITED & begins to touch more things; want to try using them; tear; throw; pull them into pieces to EXAMINE them.

Since, he has more areas to Explore; more things to Examine, & excited, then he appears as not so focus; can’t concentrate on one thing; one task;one activity for long. Normal!

The FACT is: That’s how they LEARN! They are excellent explorers ( LEARNERS )

… remember when they are toddlers, and when they are “locked up” in a baby cot, they will start throwing the toys out? The adult will pick up from the floor and put the toys back and tell the toddlers to play carefully.

But they will throw the toys right out of the baby cot and on the floor again; sometimes he find the noise amusing.

Fact: they are learning the different characteristics of each type of material – some will land on the floor loudly; some softly like their pillow or handkerchief; some will continue to roll like a ball, etc.

What do u think some of the parents/grandparents do? I have seen many times, the adults start scolding the toddlers;

Some started to tell evry visitor who come to the house that their child/grandchild ( if he is a boy especially ) is “naughty” / “hyper-active” / … may be some negative labels or names like ‘little monster”

( I was so shocked when my cousin brother, during a family party function at a restaurant, while speaking over a microphone, made a remark and labeled his brother’s 6 years daughter ( his niece ) a “monster” in front of close to a hundred relatives!

Imagine the negative impact on the innocent young girl?

I call this type of behaviour “ verbal child abuse “.

( on verbal child abuse by a parent/grandparent, I have another case:

While I was queuing up at the airport for an airasia flight, there was a may be age 4 girl in front of me with her mom and grandmother. I am sure you like all parents can concur with me, an age 4 child is always active and keen to learn new things

( imagine the world is foreign for an alien/child who had just stay on earth for only 4 years and had to learn so many unheard of or new things on earth like language, things, etc, etc ).

So the child naturally wanted to touch and get hold of the air asia printed boarding pass so that she can learn about what it is ( remember she is an EXPLORER & EXAMINE everything carefully ).

Do u know what the mother said? She said: “ Don’t touch! Otherwise, if the tickets are lost, you can’t board the plane “ ( in Mandarin or hokkien ). So the girl was scolded for being ‘naughty’ or ‘busybody”

After a while I observed that the girl was walking playfully round her mom and grandma and accidentally stepped on the grandma’s shoe. This time, I almost lost me cool when the grandma scolded her: “ nie yao shze! ( u go to die ), don’t step on my shoe! “ ( exact uttering from the grandma in Chinese )

….. if this is not child abuse, what is?

So the moral of the above stories are:

• All children are active learners; intelligent explorers and super active learners!

• Be very careful what we as adults SAY to children.

I urge all the parents to use our conscious mind and mindfulness and choose the words carefully, because the negative words only impact the children negatively ( cognitively and psychologically ). If you scold them not to touch this or that; don’t do this or that, what u do is to PUNISH them verbally

( In psychology: when a behaviour is followed by a negative response from the adult, the child will tend to reduce the incident of the bahaviour = punishment ).

If these are repeated, then the child will lose their curiosity / and the urge to learn. Because every time he wants to learn, he is ‘punished’ for it verbally ( though the parent may not be aware of his/her own behaviour )

… I have even observed quite often ( may be I was more mindful and observant ) that parents making remarkes in front of their child to other adults ( relatives/friends who visit their house, etc ): “ my child is very slow in her schoolwork “. I actually heard this in school when I was bringing my child to report for 1st day of primary 2 when school re-opened school in January; when all parents brought their children to find the new classrooms and pay the school fees.

• My conclusion is that all children are smart; intelligent and active learners. The problem lies with parents; not their children.

So parents must change their attitude and the way they behave.

& parents must be more mindful of the words they utter when talking to their children;

• Parents must SEE their children POSITIVELY – as “bright”, “active” “intelligent” “wonderful” learners rather than using such adjectives or LABELS as – ‘naughty’, ‘destructive’ ( because always cut up; tear up or pull out parts of toys or anything they thet get hold on ); ‘monstrous” “bad” “slow” “stupid”

• MISSLABEL a child as “hyper-active” when he or she is just a Pro-Active Learner.

Just imagine, if a toddler/child do not touch; try on certain things, whether it is a key; a scissor; pen; screwdriver; a torchlight, etc, how on earth is she/he going to learn about the functions/characteristics of such things?

• When we as parents talk with ( not talk to because it is 2 way communication ) our young children, always be mindful to see from their point of view or their situation.

For me, when I talk with my children, I make it a policy that I talk with them as adults ( i.e. I treat them as if they are adults when I talk ) because the way many parents’ attitude when talking with their children is: “ I am your parent; I am an adult; I am taller and bigger than you; So I talk, you only listen”.

If a parent talks in this way, he/she is just trying to use his/her physical superiority; his authority to “over power “ the child.

After a while, the child will start not to listen to what the parents say or start to argue / protest / talk back. Then the parent will start LABELLING his/her child as “ non obedient”, “ rebellious “, “ no mannerism “, etc.